I don't know what I expected.  I think I got my hopes up a little too far.  I wanted all these opportunities to be with my brothers to encourage and build them up.  What I find is that they have their own lives and do their own things and because I have been gone pretty much for the past two years they are always doing things without me.  My heart breaks for them simply because I don't know where they stand and they are not willing to make the time for me to just sit with them and talk about life.  I understand Trevor's coping with Paige dieing is by staying busy all the time or until he is too tired and needs sleep.  I also understand that Jake has a girlfriend, works part time, and is getting ready to graduate.  The thing is my time is limited to just about these four weeks before everything starts off.  And even now I am trying to do my best to fulfill the position of director of Camp Nomacca even if only for a week it is a huge responsibility step up.  I am willing and I love to serve in this way but it just seems that all I can do is sit and watch everyone do their own thing because I have been gone too long.  I just wish I knew for certain they were saved.  I would give my salvation for them if it were possible.  I am also finding it hard to break old habits.  LBC really didn't help me that much with these things.  Coming home I knew what to expect as far as that goes.  I get with people I used to hang with and the old nature wants to take over.  I have a choice I know I have a choice now it still doesn't make it easy to make the right choice.  Welcome to Humanity I guess.  I just want everyone to see the changes that have taken place in my faith and life but how can they see if they don't stop for me.  But I must remember God is good and in complete control all the time.  Also that He is merciful and compassionate, slow to anger and abundant in lovingkindness.  This is His character.  It doesn't change, it will never change.

     It has almost been two years.  Sometimes I think about them.  Sometimes I miss them even though the only one I really knew was Paige.  I get sad to see what my brother has had to go through to get to where he is.  My mom told me about a month ago that he is finally able to sleep almost the entire night.  For the past two years he has cried himself to sleep if he could find sleep.  It was a month before my birthday two years ago.  I left knowing that Trevor was going to get a ring and ask Paige to marry him and they were going to settle down with the money he had been saving up since he got started at the garage.  I came home to brokenness that I knew even I couldn't fix.  I drove all through the night after having only a few hours of sleep the night before.  My cousin picked me up from Torrington, CT.  He had already been up 24 hours when he got to where I was.  I was on my last choir tour ever but none of that mattered after my mom called me and told me what had happened.  I knew I needed to get home.  I needed to be with my brother.  There was nothing else in my mind or heart but to get home.  I did get home.  I got home to find my brother awake on the couch.  He was sitting there with a very empty look.  He didn't move, he didn't speak, I tried not to cry but as I wrapped my arms around him I began to weep loudly.  He cried too.  Trevor doesn't cry, that's how I knew this was so much worse than I could have imagined.  Everything is still so clear in my mind.  Yet,  that was two years ago.  My life changed so much and I was just someone caught in the middle because of my brother.  I believe I grew stronger.  I still don't know where Trevor stands.  I know he knows God exists but other than that I don't know.  This is part of the reason why I want to go home.  I want to be with my brothers.  So I can share my faith, be used by God to give them hope.  Ever since the accident, we have gotten along much better.  I still have questions though.  Things I am not sure about.  But God is good, perfect, and just.  I trust that he did what was best.  It's just hard to see at times.  But one lesson I have learned through my study of the book of Acts, which I am doing for class but finding very enjoyable, is that in times of trials we must continue to praise God.  We must worship God always, through all things.  We must be real, we will suffer and go through hard times, but we must never stop praising God.  For in God all my hope is stored.  I can't do anything but praise Him the more I think about everything that has happened.  God is good therefore everything that He does is good.  Wow I feel as though I just wrote a lament psalm.  Quick someone get me a guitar riff...some sweet melody and harmony...I'll set this baby to music...lol  This is so not canon.

I am so glad that Spring Break has arrived.  The sad part is that it is almost over.  I have enjoyed the relaxed mornings, the sleeping in, the meeting new people here in GA, and most of all the time to think.  Although at the same time I wish I didn't think so much.  It always seems that I do the most thinking right before I go to bed.  As soon as my head hits the pillow I'm in overdrive.  Somethings that have been on my mind lately are mostly sin issues on my part.  The way I judge others has been a big one.  I didn't even realize it was a problem until a few weeks ago at school when the Lord pressed it on my heart via Scripture.  We were studying 1st and 2nd Samuel in OT...in fact we still are...I am now in Kings but it's all good...anyway and it talks about how the people wanted a king to rule over them like the other nations had.  This idea of king that they wanted would more of a role of an Old Testament judge.  He would be a deliverer from enemies.  One who offered protection.  God had planned to give them a king but the people demanded it before He had planned to give them one.  So, he lets them have one.  Saul was chosen.  He was a tall, handsome man.  He looked like he would be a great king.  During the first part of his reign he did well.  After a while his selfishness came out.  He started to show his true colors.  He was not working for God, he was working for himself.  I would dare say his whole motivation was focused on himself.  This caused him to loose his dynasty, his rule, and his life.  Then David came.  The man after God's own heart.  When they talk about him in the story of David and Goliath, they mention that he was just a boy.  This reference of a boy is not what we would think as a boy.  What is meant is that he was not trained for battle.  The armor didn't fit him.  And yet he killed the giant, or very tall man.  God established his kingdom.  David followed God with his whole heart didn't he?  Not quite he did commit adultery and kill the womans husband.  David did realize what he had done.  He knew he had to repent.  This didn't take the consequence of sin away though.  His son, by the adulteress, was killed.  David still found favor in God's eyes because of his repentance.  God looked at his HEART!  I find that it is often I look outwardly and judge people.  This is the wrong way to go about things.  First, I should look at the heart.  God looks at the heart.  I want to see what God sees in people.  I want to love people with a love that isn't earthly.  So, I too must look at the heart.  I think that is where I will find a true love for everyone.  Secondly, I should not judge.  I say this and yet I know I do it and probably will continue to do it for some time.  It's not just something that stops immediately.  But I will try! I realize I am in the wrong...There is something else that was brought to my attention today in some reading I was doing from the Bible.  It was dealing with Solomon.  He had just built the Lord's temple and was praying to God.  In 1st Kings 8:46 he says that he knows they will sin.  They even understood that sinning was inevitable in the OT.  That was just something new brought to my attention.  I guess I had never really though about it.  I just thought they all tried to live by the Law seeking perfection and believing they were being perfect.  And when they messed up they offered sacrifice.  I didn't think they expected it.  This plays into another thought I have been playing with for quite some time.  It deals with my devotion to God.  I sin.  Yet some of these sins could easily be avoidable if I just thought about the sacrifice of Christ....His death...He paid his life...for my sin...the sins I commit everyday...knowing that I will still commit them....yet not even knowing that is enough to get me to stop even the least of these sins....am I truly free from the bondage of sin then?  At times I say yes....and other times I don't think I am...is it possible to be semi free...this kinda plays off another lesson from the Saul and David story...Saul did somethings right...but then again he did somethings bad...like half obeying basically...is this what I am doing with my life....because I know it's all or nothing ....half obedience is no obedience at all....so where does that leave me?  I hope that my thoughts cause others to reflect on their lives...maybe I could get some input from others...I appreciate anything...I am a sinner...yet God shows me grace...God shows me love....love that I don't always understand...God is good all the time....anything less and it just wouldn't be perfect....